Turning another year older doesn’t usually bother me, but this year is different. It’s quite strange to be leaving a decade behind and begin a new one. I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling.

I have been reflecting on my twenties and there are so many great memories:

the college days at TWU

mission trips to Kenya & India

Bible school in Australia

internship in New York City

sailing in Greece

sister’s wedding, brother’s wedding, the birth of my nephew

new friendships

bad haircuts (maybe not a great memory, but a memory nonetheless)

jobs

grad school

hard times, good times, and everything in between

My twenties have been good. Many things about me have changed, whether it be my looks, my perspectives, or my heart. I have made mistakes and learned from them. I have experienced great joy and so much laughter. The last decade has not been perfect, but I wouldn’t change it because it has made me who I am now.

The thought of being 30 scares me a little, but the one thing that helps me embrace it, is knowing that God is continuing to work in me and He is changing me to be more like Him. I am excited to see where He will take me in the next decade and in the year ahead.

So to my twenties I say, farewell. And to my thirties I say, the best is yet to come!

I am learning so much as I read and write and dialogue about the problems that exist in our world today. I feel the weight of responsibility, but don’t really know how I should respond.

I want to love God and love people, but have yet to grasp or recognize what God’s calling is for me.

Some moments I feel hopeless and other times I feel inspired.

I feel like my weaknesses are slapping me in the face and I am reminded how desperately I need God.

I am overcome with doubt, when all I really want to do is hope.

I have more questions than answers.

Everything that has become normal is feeling foreign.

The process is overwhelming, but is  proving to be rewarding.

I am trying to resolve my contradiction, but as Parker J. Palmer (1980) stated:

Our first need is not to release the tension, but to live the contradictions, fully and painfully aware of the poles between which our lives are stretched. As we do so, we will be plunged into paradox, at the center of which we will find transcendence and new life. Our lives will be changed. Both our beliefs and our actions will become more responsive to God’s spirit. But this will happen only as we allow ourselves to be engulfed by contradictions which God alone can resolve. With Jonah, we will be delivered. But first we will be swallowed into darkness.

Right now I’m being swallowed into darkness, but I know its not the end. As I live the contradiction, I am gaining a better understanding of what it really means to be a follower of Jesus.

2. Jeremy + Maren. My little brother married the girl that far exceeded his dreams. I was there when he popped the question and just before Christmas they became husband and wife. They are a beautiful couple with an amazing life ahead!

(Wedding photo courtesy of Kristen)

3. Grad School. I was scared to become a student again. I feared failure, change, and the unknown. The fear eventually disappeared, as I realized I was capable. It has been overwhelming at times, but also rewarding. My mind is being challenged as I am confronted with global issues and becoming more aware of the world around me. With one semester down and four to go, the experience has far exceeded my expectations and I’m getting excited to see where it will take me.

4. Family + Friends. My family is expanding with the addition of a beautiful new sister and an adorable nephew. We live far apart, but there’s nothing like being all together. And it’s exciting to see what God continues to do in each of our lives.

I have friends, new and old, that have filled this year with laughter and insight. I have learned more about myself and what it means to love others. Family + friends, I am grateful for you.

2009 was a fabulous year… here’s to 2010. Happy New Year!

Karla LeMay’s life was cut short by lung cancer, which took life out of her physical body. But Karla loved Jesus and committed her life to serving Him and sharing Him with others. She is now living in eternity with Him, completely whole and free from all disease. That is worth celebrating.

Karla’s daughter lead worship as the service started. God was present and the room was filled with joy. At one point I looked over at Karla’s family and saw her husband and kids with arms raised high, worshiping God. It gave me the chills and a lump formed in my throat. In the midst of their sadness and grief, they were choosing to worship God. It was beautiful.

Various people shared about Karla’s life and how she had impacted them. It was obvious by everything that was said, that Karla truly lived her life for Jesus. She served people in need… friends and strangers. She loved and prayed for her family. She was telling people about Jesus and had a smile on her face until the day she left this earth.

It had been many years since I last saw Karla, but hearing about her life yesterday inspired and challenged me. It made me think about what I want people to say about me when I die. It made me think about what I need to do to change my life to be more like Jesus. One thing I do know, I want my life to be all about Jesus. When I am taken from this earth, I want the one thing people remember most about me is my love and devotion to Jesus, which should impact everything else I do.

Karla LeMay lived a life that was all about Jesus and I have no doubt that as she was welcomed into eternity, she heard the words “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

But what is the life I am called to live?

If I claim to be a follower of Jesus, then I have to go back to His words: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

This is where I have to start. The rest of life is determined by my obedience or disobedience to these two great commandments. This is what life is about. Yet why do I continue to fail over and over again?

I love God, but why don’t I always live my life in a way that reflects my love for Him?

One minute I ask God for help. The next I try to be self-sufficient.

One minute I recognize how much I need God’s grace and forgiveness. The next I’m prideful and judgmental.

One minute I thank Him for having a plan for my life. The next I question His plan.

One minute I’m thankful for the blessings He’s given me. The next I’m complaining about the very same things.

I know I will spend the rest of my life learning what it means to love God… and learning what it means to love others, which is the second part of the commandment. I am only able to love others because God first loved me. But often I’m selfish and keep God’s love to myself, rather than sharing it with others.

I am called to be like Jesus and His love ultimately cost His life, which He gave for me. I deserved the death He died. I overlook that part far too often. I am called to love like Jesus… even if it costs me my life. And loving like that is not easy because when I fear rejection or start to feel pain, I want to retreat. But I am called to do the opposite. I am called to keep loving, to endure the pain, to give my life away.

I am not capable of this calling, unless I love God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind. I fail and I will continue to fail, but that doesn’t mean I stop trying. It means that when I fail, I get up and I try again.

I must constantly remind myself that I need God because without Him, I am nothing. He gives my life purpose. He is what life is about.

It has been one month since I started grad school (program in International Care and Community Development) and  being a student again is great! I am learning about globalization, social justice, culture, and how to write APA style.

Some days I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, but my mind is expanding and I am being challenged.

School is much different at 29, than 18. I have a greater appreciation for learning and am more determined to succeed.

I am excited for this two year journey… it has only just begun!

This year their goal is to raise $40,000 for the International Justice Mission to help in the fight against human trafficking. And they need your help!

 My brother just sent out the following message with details on one way to support Climb for Captives:

We are one week away from the big climb and we are trying to spread the word far and wide. People from around the world are tuning in and stepping up to make a difference. We recently got word that a young girl in British Columbia was so moved by the idea of children in slavery that she sold her goldfish to her brother for $8.15 cents and promptly donated the money to Climb for Captives.

We thought it would be cool to let her know what an inspiration she is so we are doing a special campaign for the next 72 hrs… it’s called the Fish for Freedom.

Between now and Sunday Aug. 9th at noon, we want to get as many donations as possible in the amounts of $8.15, $81.50, or $815.

Visit http://www.climbforcaptives.com/ today to join us in the Fish for Freedom.

Thanks,

The Climb for Captives Team

Please join me in supporting Climb for Captives!

Or for those that prefer a visual image.

I think that introspection should be a normal part of life. Should being the key word. I can easily find flaws or identify insecurities, but how often do I really look deep and examine myself? It’s definitely easier not to because when I start to look, I’m reminded of how selfish I really am.

What do I find easy? Examining others.  I’m good at playing the pharisee, the one who can see what’s wrong with everyone else. But of course that means I’m good at ignoring the “plank in my eye.” Yep, I’m what one would call a hypocrite.

I was the “goody two shoes” girl growing up. The one everyone told “you’re perfect.” When you hear that enough, you believe it. And that is a dangerous place to be; completely oblivious to my pride and selfishness. I read a quote today by Francis Chan, “If Satan can’t get you to disobey God’s commands, he will try to make you obey them in a legalistic way, which is just as deadly.” Describes me pretty well.

I have since realized I am not the “perfect” girl everyone told me I was. And I’ve recently been reminded of that yet again. Why does it always take something to remind me of this? Why do I fall back into the same thinking over and over again? Why do I continually allow pride to distort my perspective?

Thankfully God is full of far more grace than I am capable of or ever deserve.

In an ideal world, I want to continually be changing and maturing. But I get lazy and comfortable. It often takes something “out of the ordinary” to wake me up and make me look deep within myself. I’ve been forced to do that lately.

I’ve realized that in my attempt to be selfless, I’m often being selfish. In my attempt to love unconditionally, I often have an ulterior motive. In my attempt to show grace, I’m still being judgmental. In my attempt at allowing God to have His way, I get impatient and try to forge my own way. In my attempt at being humble, I’m often being prideful.

My desire is to become more Christ-like. I will spend the rest of my life trying. I wonder… will “my flesh” always get in the way or will I ever truly exemplify Christ? I can “act” Christ-like, but deep down, does my heart really reflect Him?

I don’t ever want to get to a point where I think I’ve mastered it. I have believed that dangerous lie before. I have been reminded again that without Christ, I am nothing.

May I never, ever forget that.

The big question: what do I want my life to be about?

I know I want it to be about loving God and loving people.

But where do I go from there?

Yes, I can love God in everything I do. Yes, I can love people everyday, in every setting.

I fail over and over again, but I will keep trying.

I’m not a good steward of my time. I want to be. I want to devote my time to things that matter. I don’t want to just fill my time.

And right now, I feel like I’m doing just that.

I keep thinking of ways I want to spend my time. Most of them seem impossible or unattainable. Or maybe I just feel incapable.

But I guess it’s not about feeling capable, it’s about being willing.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by all the thoughts going on in my head. But I don’t want that to lead me to do nothing.

I want to do something.